Slick Timmy Cook with an absolute curve ball. I am a sucker for all of Apple’s gimmicks but you have to know they just repackaged the iPhone 8’s that have collected more dust than my room since quarantine started. If you waited the iPhone 8 out two and a half years, you ultimately saved $50. I spend more time on my phone per week than a 16 year old girl who receives all of her self-esteem through Instagram likes. Last week, I averaged 8 hours and 10 minutes per day of screen time, so I think I qualify as an iPhone expert. The Wall Street Journal cites three reasons for people to want this phone: a traditional home button, smaller screen size, and the price point. In no way could someone ever argue a home button is better than the newer models’ Face ID. I fuck with an iPhone XS Max and that thing has unlimited screen space. You know what they say, “big hands, big iPhone.” I could never go back to peasant screen size. 4.7-inch screen size on this thing? Tough look. Like I said, I spend more time on my phone than my average sleep per day. If you told me I had to spend $2,000 for a phone that I will replace every two years, I’ll fucking do it. Apple claims this phone was given a better processor than older models. Cool, it has a faster processor than the old iPhone 8? I would certainly hope so. I am not a big technology specs guy, but a faster processor with the same battery life as the iPhone 8 (Apple Confirmed), means this thing will die faster than an aids patient in the 80’s. This phone also misses out on 5G connectivity, which is likely to be released late in 2020. When I get my iPhone 12 ProXSMaxExtendedScreenPro this fall, I will be flexing my 5G all over you poors.
What I can concede is that parents will be flocking to this phone for their younger kids. I cannot imagine how many pre-pubescent kids will be hounding their parents for one of these things. Kids these days have it way too easy. These little fuckers will never understand how annoying it was to carry both your phone and iPod around everywhere. Whether we had the Razor, Juke, enV2, or enV Touch, we always had our iPod Nano/Touch by our side. I distinctly remember being able to run a mile before the internet loaded on my enV Touch and I was slow as fuck. My first iPhone, the iPhone 4s, made me feel like I was on top of the world. I had to earn that fucking thing. I did my time scrambling to find Wifi for my iPod Touch to deserve 4G connection. Kids today run up their parents’ credit cards on Fortnite and have fucking iPhones. The world is changing for the worse. Kids who grow up making Tik Toks will be the new cool kids. Kids who play sports, pussies.
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